What a modern American Millennial woman thinks she looks like:
(by the way, the Woman above is, of course, Russian!)
What she really looks like:
I often write about the differences between Eastern European Women and American (western) women and – knowing the diffeerence – I’m astounded that any man at all would date an American woman. When I saw this article, I had to chuckle and wondered why shouldn’t it be “Why are any Professional Millenial Women able to find any Men at all?”
When you read the article, if you pay attention to it, you’ll feel a certain level of arrogance that runs throughout this woman’s writing. She is professional, accomplished and (according to her) she is beautiful. If you’ve read this blog long enough you know that most American (western) women have a serious disconnect as to what beautiful is. They think that if they have a vagina they are beautiful. But when compared to a Russian Woman, they pale (looks wise) in comparison. Most American Men don’t know the difference either.
The article will be in bold so that it will be easier to dissect my writing from those of the Forbes article.
My Millennial-aged girl friends and I never doubted that we would accomplish all of our life goals. Everything, thus far, has pretty much gone according to our plans. We were accepted into the right college, landed the dream job, and developed a network of amazing friends. Our apartments are beautifully decorated and we have closets full of stylish clothing. Romance hasn’t been entirely sidelined, but we don’t waste our time trying to cultivate a relationship unless someone is really amazing.
She puts her priorities as, 1. The “right” University, 2. Getting a “dream job,” 3. Developing an “amazing network of friends,” 4. A “beautifully decorated” apartment, 5. and a closet of “stylish clothing.” The woman then goes on to bemoan that she has no romance in her life?
Imagine now, if we substitute Motherhood into this discussion. Would it be strange for us to hear a modern woman say, “You know, my priorities have always been my education, my work, my network of friends, decorating my apartment and my stylish clothing. After all of that, my kids are my #1 priority. So, you can imagine my surprise that my 15 year old son is on drugs and dropped out of school and my 17 year old daughter is pregnant to her pimp-boyfriend. I really can’t understand where I went wrong!
Think about it Men, If you are getting married, you’ll be #7 on that list considering that the kids are 6th place behind all of this crap.
But now, a growing number of Millennial women are beginning to fret over the unanticipated consequences of prioritizing our careers before love. And I only need to look at my group of friends to see this reality. Again and again, year after year, my successful, gorgeous, and amazing friends remain kiss-less on New Year’s Eve. And on Valentine’s Day. And on the 4th of July. The only dateable men we encounter are either attached, gay, or otherwise involved in “it’s complicated” situations. We are coming to the realization that we were unwittingly playing a game of musical chairs — while everyone was pairing up, those focused on our careers are left standing alone.
What is so “unanticipated?” If a career is more important than husband and home, why should you be surprised when you don’t have the latter?
And we can’t figure out what is happening.
“I don’t think the issue is that men used to be great and now they’re not,” says Jezebel’s Katie J.M. Baker. “Women used to feel more pressure to get married and have kids earlier, and prioritize those goals above the others.” Add to that women’s ability now to be self-sufficient financially and supported socially by so many friends in the same boat, it shouldn’t be that surprising so many Millennial women are single. Except to us singletons, it isn’t supposed to be this way.
What it is, is that women used to be great and now they aren’t!
When it comes to romance, Millennial women are typically described using several broad strokes that don’t reflect nuance or contradictions. We are the hook-up generation. We are afraid of commitment. We are ball-busters or fairy-tale dreamers. Each cliché may have elements of truth, but the fuller story is a result of several influencing and interconnected factors.
“We are the hook-up” generation. This means, we sleep with every guy with a tattoo and then when we turn 37, we suddenly want to marry the guy with the IT degree, a handsome paycheck and maybe not such a sporty body. In other words, the modern woman wants all and can’t understand why she can’t have everything. There is a word for this: immaturity.
For one, it’s not as if we are holding out for Jake Gyllenhaal, but we do have certain non-negotiable expectations for potential mates that include college degrees and white-collar jobs. Life has always gone according to our plans, so why wouldn’t we land a man with these (reasonable) requirements?
For a list of “reasonable” requirements, please see The List.
This unwillingness to settle for less than we think we deserve is joined by a lax attitude towards searching for potential mates. We’re busy dominating the world. We don’t have time to hang out at bars. While some of us explore online dating or take a more proactive approach, the majority of Millennial women have long assumed we would meet Prince Charming via friends, or through their own social circles. “Why should we waste our precious time and energy unless we meet someone we really connect with and care about?” asks Baker. “I think it’s great that Millennial women are picky and don’t feel as much pressure to be in monogamous relationships as did previous generations. I do think all Millennials, not just women, are used to the idea of being able to ‘curate’ experiences — that’s why so many people are into online dating, because you can pick and choose character traits — and that makes people wary about settling down, especially when, in a city like New York, there are so many options.”
“Especially in a ctiy like New York where there are ‘so many options.'” This is the attitude. Why “settle” when I can always trade up later. This attitude of marriage as a transitional stage in life, rather than a lifelong commitment is a huge problem and one of the reasons for today’s such high divorce rates. Most American women don’t see marriage as a permanent institution but rather something more like a job that you can quit if you find a better job.
Unfortunately these assumptions bump up against the growing inequality between the two genders. Millennial women have taken it for granted that they will pair up with equal partners. But increasingly, there aren’t enough of these men to go around. Women now outnumber men on college campuses, and single, childless women out earn their male counterparts. In fact, as author Liza Mundy writes in her book, The Richer Sex, Millennial women are increasingly finding two options when it comes to romance: marry down or don’t marry. “There needs to be a cognitive behavior change in what are [considered] important traits,” says Mundy. “I talk to so many women who are obsessed with finding men on their level. They want someone as ambitious, engaged, and high-achieving as they are. They maybe need to rethink that to seek a partner who is supportive, rather than competitive.”
And so, if a Man will only date a thin woman, he’s a jerk. If he won’t date a woman with kids, he’s a jerk. But here, in a national magazine, this woman has laid out that it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to disqualify a Man who isn’t good looking enough, doesn’t make enough money, doesn’t have the “right” job, isn’t college educated and even if he doesn’t have “enough culture” for her tastes.
Or, accomplished women hold firm in searching for impressive men to help them feel they are getting anything out of the partnership. “They have this list of qualities (smart, has a job, knows something about culture or the world, etc) that seem pretty reasonable, but so few men meet the requirements,” says Melanie Shreffler, a marketing consultant on Millennial culture. “Going back centuries, it was just a contract between two parties. Love and even friendship or liking each other weren’t important. If you were lucky, they developed over time. But now, we think we can find a guy who will be our best friend, our other half, who we will love before we marry. Finding that in a guy that we also find attractive makes the probability of finding a “good match” even less.”
“Accomplished women hold firm in searching for impressive men to help them feel they are getting anything out of the partnership.” Partnership? Is that what a marriage is, a business institution? It is no wonder these women have trouble finding love. It is no wonder that they can’t find a good Man.
Plus, many Millennial women are in the uncertain “grey” age range where we aren’t sure if we need to start stressing out over our single status and lower our standards. Or whether we simply need to remain patient that the right man will come along.
The stress compounds as the ovaries collapse.
There is also an odd paradox in that Millennial women can be outright ambitious in their professional lives, but the same approach towards dating conveys desperation. “[Marriage] is a worthy goal,” say Mundy. “It’s strange that it’s stigmatized. When women work as explicitly hard to find romance and they do for their careers, they are seen as man-hungry. It’s a shame since studies show that marriage makes one healthier and happier. There’s no shame in wanting a great life.”
“Marriage is a worthy goal.” Laughing my ass off.
At the very least, Millennial women can always turn to those in relationships for helpful dating solutions. “If your utmost priority is to find a mate, maybe you should think about the qualities that are most important to you and keep that in mind when writing people off,” says Baker. “But I don’t want that to come off as me encouraging women to ‘settle’ — because I’d personally rather be single than in a relationship with someone who isn’t worth it.”
Imagine ANY Man on national television telling Men, “There are a lot of hot women out there. If you can’t get a Playboy model, then perhaps you should consider a less attractive or heavier woman; but I don’t want to come off as encouraging men to ‘settle’ because I’d rather be single than in a relationship with someone who isn’t worth it.”
And herein lies a HUGE problem: the inflated collective egos of American women. They think that almost no man is “worth it” to their standards.
And there’s always the popular suggestion to move to another state with a more favorable male-female ratio. It worked for my sister who found her boyfriend in Alaska.
And there’s always the popular suggestion to look in another country with a more favorable feminine-female ratio. It worked for my buddy who found his wife in Russia.
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